High school ruined my life. You may re-read that line and think that this experience is teen angst and warrants a denial, but please....read on.
At A Glance Author cuthalcoven Contact cuthalcoven@bme.anon IAM cuthalcoven When Six months ago Artist Carlos Studio Innovations Location Toledo, OH People are always told that high school is the "best years of your life". I naively believed that it would be. I woke up every day thinking that the upcoming day HAD to be better than all previous days. I held on to that hope all through the high school years. I gave up on that hope graduation night, when I realized that I was leaving Waite High School forever, and I felt no remorse....and knew that I wouldn't miss it if it were burned down the next night with the entire class in it.
I've been the "fat" kid all my life. Not only was I overweight, but I was also intelligent, which counted against me in our oh-so urban school system, and incredibly shy. I barely escaped alive, and I mean that literally. I considered committing suicide often, taking a whole bottle of Tylenol and other pain killers during the day just to stop the mental pain languished on me. People who didn't know me called me names, spit on me from the higher floors and threw things at me. Everyone whispered about me and laughed at me right to my face. I barely survived, but I did.
Of course, I walked out of there on my graduation day without a shred of self-esteem. I hated myself, I hated the world, and I despised the people who had made me feel like I was a stranger in my own skin. I found body modification through my mom, and it helped me immensely. My first piercings were my nipples, followed by gauging my ears and my madonna, along with three tattoos.
Fast forward, I am now a sophomore in college. I still didn't like myself, and I still felt trapped and hidden in my own outside coverings. I started contemplating another tattoo, something that would help me to grow up and focus on my own pain...something that would cause me to re-evaluate myself each and every time I saw it. I decided that a Kanji tattoo would most closely be able to match what I wanted to say and feel, but I was hesitant because I've read all of the horror stories about Kanji tattoo's not meaning what they're supposed to say.
I went to dita's forum that translates words into Kanji, and enquired as to the specific design behind the words "Self-Confidence". Surprisingly, Dita had already translated it for someone else a while ago, and found the picture for me almost instantaneously. I printed it out and took it to my tattoo artist, who said he'd be able to do it for $55 total, which wasn't a bad price at all.
We decided it would go best in the middle of my shoulder blades. I wanted a purple outline, but Carlos warned me against it. I decided to go ahead and do it anyways, agreeing not to hold him accountable if it needed touching-up, due to color bleeding out.
He set up his supplies and got the black and purple ink out. I sat backwards in the chair and relaxed as instructed, waiting for the familiar bite of needle against flesh. It was more painful than my other tattoos, and I found myself holding my breath often, waiting for the pain to recede. Carlos kept stopping to make sure that I WAS breathing, and told me that I really needed to concentrate on it so that I didn't pass out or hyperventilate. It only took a half-hour, including going back over it to outline the whole thing in a dark purple ink. I have to say, I was quite relieved when this particular tattoo was finished! He put a bandage over it and went over aftercare, then sent me on my way home.
That night, it was sore to sleep on and got ink on my pillowcases as I tossed and turned to get to bed. When I woke up, it had already started scabbing over, which was excellent, although it was still extremely tender. I wore a tank top to lecture the next day, even though it was snowing. I didn't want to put any fabric over it that might catch and tear a scab. I was freezing!!!
Thankfully, it healed up within the month, which kept me from being too cold later, when we had semi-blizzards. Everyone loves it and asks me what it means.....and I just smile.
To me, this tattoo means everything I am. It symbolizes self-confidence, exactly like it says. I may not have ever had any, but now that it is tattooed on my skin, I can fake it pretty well. I feel stronger and more confident, happy that I can feel safe and comfortable in my own skin for the first time.