In 1990, I was a lonely, hurt, angry 15 year old in 10th grade. I had moved to a school that seemed to have nobody I could relate to, and I was shy, having been picked on all my life. I had no friends, and was a year away from the instant cool I would achieve when I got my first car and could give rides to people. The joys of marijuana and alcohol and hanging out with other misfits would not be discovered until that summer.
At A Glance Author anonymous Contact anonymous@bme.anon IAM Happydravya When Ten years ago or more Artist Self Studio Home Location St. Petersburg, Fl I had, the previous spring, renounced God, cursing him for making me such an outcast, and for not answering my pleas for help. I was angry at the world, unloved, with a blackened heart. My dreams and fantasies were filled with violence, destruction, and malice to a world and a God that had made me this way. Satan was my new savior. He would help me make friends; he would make me cool, if only I sold my soul to him!
With this mentality, and fueled by occult books, horror movies, and heavy metal lyrics, I decided to do just that. How? I kind of winged it with my own home brewed rituals, and things I felt I had been "directed" to do through meditations. As a show of devotion to the dark lord, that included branding myself.
The first thing I did was burn my bible. It had a zippered cover, with a metal cross hanging from it. This was the perfect instrument to brand myself with. Once the bible was ritualistically burnt, it became a desecrated item.
Then, after cutting a pentagram into my chest and using the blood to write an oath, I began to prepare the brand.
I had a pair of needle nosed pliers I used to hold the cross over a candle flame. I assumed the heat would sterilize the cross. I also was sure to wipe clean the area to be branded, which I chose to be my left upper arm.
After holding the cross over the heat for a minute or so, I brought it, upside down (of course) to my arm and planted it there, pressing hard. The flesh began to sizzle.
I tensed up as the hot iron touched my skin, and my eyes rolled back in my head in pain and ecstasy as I let out a teeth-gritting hiss. The flesh only sizzled for a moment, as the scent of burnt flesh filled my nose. It hurt, but it felt Good . I felt my inner pain released, I felt whole; I felt like a man, I felt Free.
I held the cross to my arm until it cooled, then gently pulled it away to survey the new mark I had left upon myself in such fevered devotion. A clear, pink and yellow, wet mark of an upside down cross was now emblazoned on my arm for life!
I was overwhelmed by intense feelings of endorphins, I was high! And I felt I had done something meaningful. I would be forever changed. From this point on, body art was to be an integral, important part of my life too.
The next day, a scab had begun to form, and once it came off, a nice pink mark was left. This I was happy to let peek out just under my shirtsleeve at school.
For what it's worth, the ritual worked too. Not long afterwards, I began to make friends, fitting in to motley groups of misfits. I began to have much more self-esteem, and a since of power I had never felt before. I felt a deep spiritual connection with all my surroundings, and a keen since of instinct. I felt invincible!
Over the years, I have changed my philosophies of life. I am no longer a Satanist. I have reclaimed my soul, believing it was never possible to sell in the first place. I have become a much kinder, gentler spirit. The scar has long since been covered by a tattoo. However, if you know where to look, and really look closely, the variations of skin texture are still visible, ever so slightly, reminding me of my past, and where I came from to get here.
I do not regret what I have done. I embrace my history, for it is, and always will be a part of what makes me who I am, regardless of where I go, or how I change. It is a mark of passage, done with passion. This is one of the beautiful things of body art. It will always be there, with meaning, as a connection to my past, and, truly, a connection to my soul.
I would gladly do it again. And for those who might be going through pain such as I was, don't give up! You don't need the devil, but if you want to really make some change and get in touch with your soul, and you feel compelled, don't let anyone discourage you from branding. It can truly be an awakening rite of passage!
Disclaimer: Just be sure to do it safely and sanely. Research proper procedures! Don't copy my example!