I must start out by saying that I am NOT advocating the act of cutting. To me, it is not something to do "just for the fun or it". There are underlying reasons behind why people cut -it is not just done to stand out or get attention, and it is not something to be taken lightly.
At A Glance Author babie girl Contact babie girl@bme.anon When A month ago Location NY Now with that said, I come to my story.
I wasn't always a cutter. I used to be very happy with myself, and the way things were going in my life. I was just plain HAPPY. But things changed when I started middle school- rumors and gossip basically made my life a living hell, to the point where I was crying ever day in school. Everyone that I had thought liked me had suddenly turned on me. As a result of this, I fell into depression. (Im sure there are at least a few people that can relate to this so far...) but I wasn't about to let anyone, including my family, know I was depressed. I thought being depressed was wrong and bad, so I tried my best to hide it. This is where the cutting comes into play.
After some time, I realized I couldn't seem to find a release for all my pain. I was very hurt on an emotional level, and I needed a release. After one particularly bad night, I was so upset that I started scratching myself with my nails. I did it hard enough to break the skin, and afterwards I realized that making myself bleed made me feel better. It was like the physical pain released the emotional pain.
After awhile though, I found that scratching myself took way too long, and wasn't giving me the release I needed. I found my salvation in the form of my super sharp tweezers. I found that if you are careful, they can produce a shallow cut that would bleed just enough to ease my emotional pain. First, I did it only once- one small cut on my arm. But soon, once wasn't enough, and I would end up making 3 or 4 scratches on my arm with the tweezers.
Of course, I was NOT about to admit THIS habit to anyone, so I tried my best to hide it. Pretty soon, I was cutting anytime something upset me. One particularly bad night left me with a line of about 30 cuts going down the back of my leg. That was when I realized that maybe my habit had gone too far.
I decided I needed to stop for a while, let myself heal. And I did stop. But not for as long as I had hoped- the next time I was upset, I went right back to my trusty tweezers to ease my pain. This cycle continued for months, I would stop for a while and then something would provoke me and I would go back to my cutting ways. This continued up until summer came after I had started high school. I vowed not to cut myself anymore.
And I didn't, for a few months. I even got through a really tough emotional time without picking up my tweezers a single time. I thought I would never have to cut again. But I ultimately ended up going back to it. Only this time when I went back to it, a close friend of mine found out. Needless to say, I ended up losing my friend while trying to "fix" myself (because that's what I thought the cutting did- fix everything).
That was when I knew I need to stop. I thought I could. I thought I was in complete control. But I always ended up going back to it.
Cutting myself provided an escape for me that I thought I couldn't get any other way. When I would cut, it was like all my anger and sadness and pain would suddenly vanish as the metal sliced through my skin. It would even make me stop crying.
With that said, the story brings us to where I am now...
I've grown and matured quite a bit, and I've realized that I cannot continue to cut myself forever. Eventually I will need to deal with my problems without cutting. Cutting is a temporary solution. Yes, it does make you feel better. But it will not solve your problems. I fell into this habit very quickly, and so could you.
Don't get me wrong though- strange as it may be, I do not regret cutting. I wear my scars (most of witch have faded) proudly. They represent my past, and the fact that I wouldn't be the same person that I am today without them. For a long period of time i thought i was losing myself, and i thought that cutting would change that. but in reality I was the one that needed to change things.
In closing, I want to make this clear: if you are upset or depressed like I am, don't be stupid and cut yourself. Be responsible and do something to change the problem- even if it means going to therapy or counseling. Those things WILL help you. Cutting will not.