I'd read a lot about self injury as a kid. It wasn't until I was 11 that I ever tried anything. I remember it all so clearly, you always remember your first cut.
At A Glance Author Pierced Star Contact blackxtc_13@yahoo.com IAM pierced_star When N/A Artist Self Inflicted I was barely 11 when it happened. My dad was away on a "business" trip in Oregon. My brother discovered my dad was with his secretary, having an affair. I couldn't believe what was happening, I didn't understand why my dad didn't love his family anymore.
I couldn't cry about it. No matter how much and how hard I wanted to, I couldn't. So I did what I never thought I would. I heated a metal pin over a candle and burned the 'fuck' into my lower leg. I spent the rest of that night listening to my brother hitting the fence with a bat and my mom crying.
When I turned 13 I met an amazing guy that I dated for over a year. He was the greatest guy, but on my 14th birthday everything changed. He started calling me names and telling me I was only worth what someone would pay for me. A few months later he would push me and pull my hair. I couldn't take it anymore so I started injuring myself, this time with knives.
Every time I fought with him, which was almost everyday, it would end with me wanting to cry and cutting. I honestly thought he was everything that I would ever need from someone. How wrong I was.
I had had a best guy friend who knew everything about me and was amazing. He held me the nights I cut myself and he told me that I was beautiful and if my boyfriend couldn't see that then he was an idiot. He had stopped me countless times from jumping off balcony's and slicing open my veins with razors. He never called me crazy for cutting, he never used it against me. He was the only one in my life that I could count on and I never wanted to loose him.
A few months later my boyfriend broke up with me. He still harassed me though. He followed me around town and then sit across the street from my house and shout profanities at me in public. I never thought I could feel worse until my guy friend killed himself. He had slit his wrists and taken over 100 sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka. He left a note saying that he would rather kill himself than continue to see me hurt, and since he couldn't stop the pain, he died. I could believe what was happening and for months I could feel nothing but guilt that I had caused my best friend to kill himself.
By the time I was 15, his death really hit me. It finally occurred to me that I would never be able to hear his voice, or feel the warmth of his arms around me. I couldn't cry. I would sit at night and try to cry, and only end with tears running out of my arms. This went on for 4 months until I was sent on a 5150 by my high school and put under therapist watch.
I still hurt a lot, but I'm trying to teach myself different ways of coping with my past. I know that no matter if I stop cutting today and never touch anything to my skin till I die, that I will still be a self injurer. I'm never going to get the urge to cut out of my system.
To a lot of people I meet, their first thoughts of me are that I need to be sent to a mental hospital and locked up. Some people ask me if I want to die. Out of everything I've been through, not once have I had any luck with suicide. I've only ever stood on a balcony and said this is the moment. I've been through dark times, and as I look back at all the times I wanted to jump, I realize that I didn't. I never wanted to jump, I wanted to know if I had someone there to catch me if I fell.
I did have that person, but for almost 2 years he's been gone. I know that I'll never stop morning over him, but I know now just how much he cared. I still have guilt over why he did it, but I know now it was his decision I couldn't have ever made him do something.
Cutting will be a coping strategy for me until I die. I never cut deep enough to need stitches, I never cut so deep that I can't stop bleeding. I only cut deep enough so that all the anger, pain, hate and even love that's been hiding for so long comes out.
Those out there who ever considered cutting/hurting themselves think back. Think about the times people have hurt you and tell yourself your worth more than that. People are beautiful and shouldn't be pushed so far down that they feel they need to hurt to feel better. Everyone deserves to be loved and to be treated with respect. You are your own person, no ones pet, no ones slave. You alone have the strength inside to survive.