I never thought that I would write something like this but after reading several of the entries in ritual cutting it became clear to me that many of the self-injurers or cutters are controlled. I have been a self-injurer for nearly 10 years and nothing that I have ever done to my body has been planned in advance, it is more like a trance that takes over my body and mind. I suppose that I am writing this to tell the darker side of cutting.
At A Glance Author Helena Contact Helena@bme.anon When N/A Artist Self Studio Various Locations Location South Carolina
Several experiences have left me lying in the bottom of the bath tub / shower finally coming to realize what I have done. This journey began when my depression reached one of my several lows in my mid to late teens. Depression entered my life when I was young, probably about 13, and it never left me. Ever since that time I have been a walking façade. I have become a master at appearing "normal" for the general public and almost every friend I have ever had. I suppose that the psychological term "self-injurer" applies to me. According to my readings these unstructured cutting episodes are a result of not having better coping mechanisms. I do not think that anyone really has the answer.
I was sixteen / seventeen years old when I began to cut my wrists. It was an obsession. It was all that I could think about if I was allotted any time to myself. I made sure to do everything in my power not to give in to the desire but once my constant companion, depression, would hit a severe low it was almost a way of committing a mock suicide. Not many would understand this, but I believe that it kept me alive. The cuts were superficial, nothing that I would ever have to have emergency medical attention for, at least. I kept my cuts secret from the world. They were mine and mine alone. A cutting incident would usually keep me from cutting again for some time. It was enough for me to feel the sting when I made contact with anything or to look at the cuts that I had made. My wounds would heal.
I didn't understand why I did this until my life took a turn for the worse. I was raped by a close friend (at least I thought he was a close friend), and I was being pursued by a married woman that was my best friend. I was hurt and confused. After that the static in my mind was too loud, my emotions shifting from rage to fear to the ultimate feeling of betrayal. After that I understood why I would be in a state of frenzy and find a large object and crack a new disposable razor into pieces so that I could pull off the thin blades. I needed the pain to stop. I needed my mind to shut down and the cutting gave me that power. It drowned out everything else but the objects of my affection at the time which were my blade, my skin and my blood. I had control. I had graduated to cutting my upper thighs along the hips. Looking back I believe that I was attempting to disfigure my body so that I would no longer be sexually attractive. The worst night resulted in more blood than I have ever seen. I had about 40 4-5 inch long cuts on each side of my hips resulting in a great deal of blood loss. The water was so red and I was so numb. I got out of the bath tub and wrapped myself up. I was finally able to sleep.
I have had one episode since then, a poor attempt to release pain that resulted in several cuts up and down the inside of my left arm. I have found out since that time that I was misdiagnosed for over 5 years as a bi-polar II. I had major depression. The mood stabilizers that were given to me in unbelievable amounts were causing my depression to deepen since they were only treating the mania (which didn't exist).
I tell this story not to attract attention which seems to be an incredible misconception of the public. Self-injurers are often viewed as attention-seeking and/or self-absorbed or worse. I am neither. I am a young professional woman who is caring and loving. I am usually the one that is solving someone else's problem first and my own second. Maybe I care too much. The cause is not the reason for this entry. I want to express my views on self-injury and how it has impacted my life to possibly offer solace to those that find themselves in similar situations. You are not alone. Feel free to contact me if what you have just read sounds far too familiar.