My Walking Dream
At A Glance Author Bleading Princess Contact Selfinflicktgirl@aol.com When Six months ago Artist my twisted self Studio my room *WARNING MAY NOT BE LIKEABLE TO ALL READERS*
Hello, friends or enemies. Let me start by saying that I am 22 years old and I have borderline personalty disorder and with that I eperince episodes called derealzation (very similar to dissociation). When I get stressed out or sometimes for no reason at all, life becomes fake to me. Like I'm not really awake. It's a defense mechanism that my brain does on its own. I'm guessing it's to block out emotional pain (that's what my therapist says anyway). The episodes started when I was about 12. Back when I was younger I had little knowledge of what was happening to me or how to snap my self out of it so I would usually beat my head against the wall or slam my hand, foot, arm, and/or leg in the door. Now I know a little more about my "condition" and what works to snap my self out of my day time nightmare. Here is a first hand look at one of my experiences and what I do now to wake-up.
I get up in the morning, and this day is like any other. I make my coffee, I read the paper, I take a shower, and take care of my daughter in completely normal fashion. Then all of a sudden, something feels off "am I really awake?" I ask my self " no I'm sure I am" I reassure my self. But it still doesn't feel real. I blow it off hoping it will go away on its own. I go though the motions of everyday life trying to keep grounded. An hour goes by and I still can't get a grip on reality. So I start to panic "what if it never stops?". My hands start to shake, my hart starts to beat faster and faster and everything goes out of focus. Without thinking, I run to my room and find my little purple box. Already I feel a little better. I dig for my razor, my only link to real life. Like I'm being controlled by some unknown force I take the razor and make a small cut on my thy. It's not enough pain so I make another pass, this time I dig a little harder. I feel a pop and I drag the razor across my flesh keeping the same pressure on it as I go. I feel dizzy and almost high. I am no longer falling, but I'm floating in a sea of nothing but the psychical pain. I'm in the place where I can be free. Free from life but most of all free from my self and my wondering mind. Without warning I'm forced back to reality. The pain is intense and I wake up with the sight of my own blood. But with a new found strength to face life head on. I feel stronger than ever knowing that if I can stand the pain I inflicted, than I can face anything. By making my self bleed I am aware that I am alive. I bleed therefore I am. My walking dream is over.
The next part of getting back to reality comes from the after care. It may sound silly, but when I take care of my cuts it helps reinforce the feeling that I am alive. I like to pour alcohol on my cuts for an extra sting. I let them bleed some more, watching as the blood flows down my leg. Then I clean up the blood and bandage my self up. I feel almost proud as I carefully use stri-strips to close the gash I just made in my leg. It feels nice to take care of my self in a way that only I can. I devalue my self by cutting. Then I idealize my self by taking care of my wounds. [That's another little thing my brain does called splitting] This little ritual is the one thing that is mine and no one can take away from me.
This is not a self-help guide nor am I trying to convince you that what I do is right. I just simply wanted to give you my reasons for cutting. And hopefully give you something to enjoy reading. Only in extreme episodes of de realization do I use the method of cutting. But on the other hand sometimes I cut just for fun. Through therapy I am learning more about borderline personalty and why I do the things I do. Maybe someday I will stop, only time will tell. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. For me cutting and burns are my things. If you do the same, I understand and you are not alone. If you are thinking of starting, please reconsider. There are much safer ways of dealing with stress. But in all "To each their own live life as you see fit!".