At A Glance
Author	anonymous
When	A month ago
Artist	Me
Studio	Anywhere
Location	CT

This is going to be kind of awkward for me, because I've never shared any of my experiences with people. But here it goes.

I was 13 when my my current boyfriend confessed to me that he had an issue with cutting. He didn't do it often, nor deep. But the mere thought of that sickened me and sent me into nights replaced with tears instead of sleep. I never saw the scars or cuts because we had a long distance relationship, but I was still very worried for his well being. Persuasion and consoling to him was useless, so I did what seemed right at a 7th grader. I talked to the school guidance counselor. Long story short, he has recovered and has found different ways of expressing himself, like writing.

Well, if you told me then that I would become a hipocrit in that category I would have laughed at you.

Shortly after he stopped, I began. I saw kids at school with carvings and it still made my stomach turn until I realized something. Almost all my life I have been a self abuser. Even when I was a little girl being sent to my room I used to vigorously scratch myself with my nails instead of crying. That lasted until I was about 8 or 9.

At age 10 I began biting, I habit I still carry today. Biting was easy and had at intense pain to it. I was usually "gnaw" on my hand during school to pass time, and if i was nervous I would bite the skin off around my nails. In result, my nails have ripples and there are several dark splotches on my hand from popping capilaries.

Moving on, when I was 13 my best friend started to cut and confined her secret in me. My world stopped. What was going on?! First my boyfriend, and then my best friend!!

I don't know exactly provoked it, I'm inclined to say a nasty fight with my mom, but I remember my first cut clearly. My tool was a sharpened paperclip. It stung, but felt incredibly good. My emotional pain faded. Gradually, I moved on from a paperclip and discovered razors.

My cutting rituals are very discrete, no one knows about it, but many have suspected. Like my parents. They wouldn't understand if I explained to them. I was raised as a child who had a very stable childhood and they just wouldn't understand why I do what I do. To be exact, nor do I. The pain is very addicting.

I must say, I'm a very mecurial cutter. At times I love my few, but highly visible scars. Other times I tell myself "never again". Right now, I'm in a "never again" phase.

I try my best to find other ways of expressing or dealing with my emotions, so I walked towards piercings. That phase wavered and faded quickly.

I guess I can conclude that cutting destroys and enhances me. At times it feels like its all that I have, other times it keeps me together and lets me know that I'm in control.

At times I wish my friends weren't so stereotypical and that they would understand why I do this, but then I remember that I was once one of the people that turned their nose on cutting or any form of self abuse.

Currently, I have 3 stars, 2 squiggles, and about 60 lines scattered throughout my body. If my skin were darker I'm certain that other scars would shine through.

So to each is own. There are many reasons why people cut. Expression, anger, depression, boredom, loneliness. By this point I've cut and burned all of the reasons I've listed. One of the two people that knew about my cutting suggested a therapist, and i tried that (I was going to one for other reasons), and cutting came up in topic. The therapist voiced her opinion that cutting only signifies depression, which I would be more than happy to pick a fight about that one.

I'm only 15 now, and I have been cut/ burn free for 2 months today. I chose to stop because I was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder and I have potential Bipolar, so my parents, school nurse, and doctor will be looking at me in a different perspective for any "side effects" for the Zoloft I am taking to help me cope with my Panic.

I did not think I'd be able to say this with confidence one year ago, but I have found a new coping mechanism, and that would be photography and skate boarding.

I wish anyone who is in the same position as me the best of luck with everything. And to anyone who has friends with self abuse problems let them come to you for help, lend a listening and understanding ear when they talk to you. It takes a lot of bravery to come forward about something that some people keep so deeply to themselves.