The downward spiral of my life started when I screwed up. I met a really nice guy and I liked him alot, I thought the world of him and I could care less about anything else. Things were running pretty smooth and then all of a sudden, things were over..I was devistated because my world revolved around him, and then he was gone..I had nothing.
At A Glance Author - Contact -@bme.anon When It just happened Artist me Studio school Location bathroom I thought about cutting for a while but never got the guts to do it, and I wasn't sure if people would understand why I did it..and yet it WAS only over a guy.. right? except I fell in love with him, so he wasn't just another guy. He was having a hard time growing up and finding himself so I knew he couldn't be committed this early.
After about two months we started dating again, and broke up once more. During the break-up I did something pretty stupid and never told him about it when we got back together. He found out, and this is how everything started..he couldn't trust me, he hated me, and wouldn't even look at me. He became depressed and It was all because of me..I couldn't live with it and I felt so guilty I couldn't sleep, eat, think, so anything I could before..I was a wreck.
We eventually started talking again, with a few fights here and there. He proved he still loved me when he carved a big "15" into his left forearm, so I knew this was for real. I didn't know what to say, and he still hated me so much. I couldn't take it anymore, and I needed to find someone else who felt the same way as I did. I met a girl and we started talking alot and she wanted to start carving into herself too.
The stress and guilt kept piling up until one day, I couldn't take it anymore. It was in the middle of the school day, and I needed to relieve stress. I went to the classroom and asked the new girl if she had a compass (the thing you make perfect circles with) She was amazed and totally understood, and supported me, she gave it to me, and off to the bathroom I went.
I went into a stall and crouched down beside the toilet. I started off really slow, and I was shaking cause I was so excited. The adrenalin was rushing through my body, and I knew this is what I wanted to do.
I decided I wanted the number "15" on the inner part of my middle finger, it was really unique place for it. I gently put the dull blade to my skin, and pressed, it was more of a pinch but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.. so I proceded. After a little while of going back and forth on the "1" part a little bit of blood seeped out of the newly wound, it made me even more relaxed, so I wanted to finish the "5" quick and go back to class.
By the time I was done the "5", my finger was a bright pink and quite numb, I loved the result..but because it was so dull it wasnt very deep, so I think I'm going to go over it with a sharper tool.
By the time I had gone back to class I was so proud of myself, even though I thought it would look nicer, I still loved it.
My boyfriend knew I had wanted to do this and he wanted to do it for me, as our little "ritual"..but when he found out he seemed okay about it. He thought I was a little dumb for doing it with the wrong tools but thats okay, I was happy with the result. The pinkish colour is still sort of there, but it needs to be more red for it to be perfect.
After I had finished I put a bandaid over it, and I felt so real and alive, something I only felt when I was with my boyfriend. I'm not as stressed as I was before I attempted this, so I know what works for me. Im so happy with myself, and I know I can be anything I want to be even at the cost of no one understanding. There are a few people in this world who would ever understand why anyone would want to mutilate themselves for self pleasure.
My boyfriend taught me to be an individual, and not a clone.. without him I wouldn't know what I was today, so I thank him, and your site, for giving anyone the oppertunity to see what being an individual is like.
I've found out who I am, and I love it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.