For the longest time I always thought it was necessary to hide the fact that I was a cutter. I've never been proud of the fact that I did it, but I never was ashamed either. Cutting has such a negative view in the eyes of society, so I always thought it was just best to hide it, especially with all the high standards I am expected to live up to. As a member of the National Honors Society, Symphonic Band, and Student Council, I just don't strike many as the type who is a cutter. But is there really any specific type? I don't think so, but I'm sure to many they imagine the little gothic girl who dresses in all black and never smiles. I'm pretty much the opposite. My favorite colors to wear are neon green, pink, and electric blue, I'm always laughing or smiling, and up until a few months ago I have the bouncy blonde hair to go with my bubbly personality.
At A Glance Author Kimberleigh Contact Kimmi1588@hotmail.com IAM Orilind When A month ago Location Toledo, OH But I've always had that underlying nagging feeling in the back of my head; the fact that I was being a fake and being untrue to myself. I don't really have much in my life to be sad and depressed over. I always felt as if I was hiding my true self in the shadows of life. It's mainly the fact that I just feel that I act like I am much happier than I really am. Hard to explain, but we all have our little insecurities in our minds. But every time I had cut, it was in a secret place that no one would really see. I have since advanced from cutting straight slash lines with safety pins to using proper tools and doing simple designs that are meaningful to me. Surprisingly, all the pieces I have done so far still look clear and nice after just under a year.
Lately I have felt like I have come to the point where I was somewhat ready to be a little bit more open with my problem. I no longer cut out of anger; I cut because it makes me feel better. After thinking and planning, I decided I wanted to do a single X on my middle finger of my left hand. A fairly visible location, but at the same time it could be concealed with a ring if I was in a situation where I didn't want anyone to see it. Now that I had picked my poison, I needed to get the supplies together to do it. Not too hard since I had various people that are willing to help me out. After about a week I was ready to sit down and do it.
The feeling of the cold blade brings up bittersweet memories. It makes me remember all the times when I used to cut myself out of anger and pain. But it also makes me remember how much I have grown since those days. The blade in my skin never has ever "hurt", just a dull stinging that I get used to after awhile. Since the X was only going to be just a bit smaller than half an inch, it was relatively easy to do and a fast process. After doing the first bar I questioned myself if I really wanted to do something so open and public. I sat and thought for about ten minutes, then realized, it's part of what makes me who I am, so why should I hide it from the world. I followed through and did the other bar.
I'm a pretty heavy bleeder, but I was surprised at how much my finger did bleed. Right after I had finished the X, my finger was basically completely covered in blood. I knew this time I had gone a bit deeper than I usually did, but I didn't think it would create this much more blood. It still seemed within a safe amount, so I didn't worry too much about it, I just continued with cleaning up the fresh cut and making sure to take care of the tools and not get blood all over. Being it was getting close to 11:00 pm, I decided it would be best to just wash off my hand and cover up the cut and go to bed.
The next morning I woke up and it had bled a lot, but scabbed over overnight. Pleased with the results, I took a showered, cleaned off my finger extra good and went to school. Automatically many of my friends began to question about the new addition to my body. None of them knew I was a cutter, so I just mumbled some stuff went to class. First hour wasn't too much better since I had AP Chemistry, which consists of all the smartest kids in the school. They all were questioning what happened for me to get cut in the shape of a perfect X. Again I just mumbled a lame excuse and continued on with my class assignment. By third hour I had had enough comments and questions, so I just tossed a ring on my finger. Horrible mistake.
When I got home, I took off the ring to find that my skin around the fresh cut was turning an odd color and was REALLY swollen. I pretty much panicked and didn't know what to do. Really disappointed about my decision to do something so public and afraid my finger was going to fall off, I headed to a local studio that specialized in tattoos and scarification. The artist on staff treated me with nothing but kindness and concern and said nothing negative when I told him about doing it at home and being stupid enough to put my class ring over a hardly 18 hour old cut. He gave me instructions and some kind of cream to put on it to reduce swelling and to make sure it didn't get infected.
Now a month later, the X looks completely beautiful, and I have explained the story to my close friends and now feel confident enough to go ring-less and show off the art on my finger. I no longer have any regrets at all about doing it. Every time I look at it, I remember all the promises I have made myself, and how far I have come from my days of angry BIC razor cuts up and down my legs.
Keep in mind I am not saying that self-scarification is a good thing. If you insist on doing it yourself, please make sure you know what you are doing and keep things safe and clean. If you notice any abnormal swelling or discoloration of your skin, seek the help of a professional. It's your body; do what you wan to decorate your canvas, but don't hurt yourself in a bad way.