Motivation
At A Glance Author Uberkitty Contact Uberkitty@bme.anon IAM Uberkitty When It just happened Artist MOM Suspension Team Location Richmond, VA As long as I can remember I've had very vivid dreams of flying. Not with wings but by willing my body to slowly lift from the ground. I'd start out flat footed and end up tip toed before becoming airborne as I freed myself from gravity. In these dreams it was not easy. Any self doubt would result in failing and coming down again. In fact I only really made it about a fourth of the time and even then flying would be shaky and difficult. Waking up the next morning I would always regret that I wasn't able to fly as freely as I wished I could. It seemed to me the experience was one that could only exist in the dream world.
All while I was being plagued by these dreams of failed flight I was exposed to suspensions through various media. In middle school it seemed that every week or so rituals involving hooks would be on the National Geographic channel and while at that age I would never believe I'd take part it anything like that I still held a deep appreciation for the people that managed to. As the years went by I heard more detailed accounts of what exactly it was like. And the more I heard the more it matched up to my dreams both in the sensations and emotions reported. Sometime around the age of 17 or 18 I felt that I needed to suspend, it would be to only way to duplicate in my waking life the dreams I'd been having for years.
Preparation
In this part of America chances to suspend are relatively few. I was lucky to be able to do a flesh pull this April during the Raleigh BME BBQ. After the pull I felt 100% ready to suspend and only needed to wait for the chance to present itself, which it did during the Virginia Suspension Social on November 20th.
While I took very good care of my body to get ready for the flesh pull I was unable to this time. I was just finishing up a round of exams and a lot was going on in my personal life leading me to not sleep or eat as well as I should have. I tried my best though and felt it was sufficient in the end.
The Day of the Suspension
The suspension team MOM were in full force to help with rituals and a few people from ROP and TSD showed up as well. There was time to mingle with other people while the rigging and piercing area were set up. While I was fully confident at the time of my arrival the more I spoke to people the more I heard things like "I've done four flesh pulls and I know I'm not ready to suspend yet" or "The first time I tried to suspend I never made it off the ground." I kept momentarily doubting myself; It was very difficult for me to push this out of my mind and remain positive. I kept reminding myself of how long and how badly I wanted this and how much of a success my first pull was. I knew I would continue. When everything was finally set up one of the suspension team members called out my name and asked if I was ready. I had paid first so I was going up first. I signed the necessary paperwork.
The Suspension
One of the members of MOM asked me if I was going to do a 4 point suicide suspension. Honesty at that point I hadn't decided exactly what I wanted but his suggestion sounded fine so I said "Yes." He began to clean my back with an antiseptic while another team member retrieved hooks and other supplies. Once clean I was told to keep my arms loosely hanging at my side and he pinched my upper back many times to figure out positioning before I was marked: one line down the middle of my back for reference and four small lines for the actual hook placement. I was told that my skin type makes throwing hooks easy (not something I can really understand, but I've been told that by two different people now.) I was then told to lie facedown on the table they had brought; my hands by my side and far enough up that my face could hang over the edge so my neck wasn't bent backwards. It wasn't really until then that the scent of the antiseptic made me nervous. The hooks would be thrown in tandem, two at a time. Once they were in position they asked if I was ready. When I said yes I was told to take a deep breath in and out. On the exhale two hooks went in and all the nervousness went away. Yes I still had two hooks to go but I had forgotten how little it hurt. Now that I was reminded I knew the next set would be easy. Again I took a deep breath and was pierced on the exhale. I was told I was done and could get up whenever I was ready. I wasn't sure if they were going to thread the rope through now or at the rig so I stood around long enough to infer it would be done later. I then wondering off to get something to drink quickly as a preventive measure.
Within a minute or two I was told the rigging was ready and I could start if I wanted. I walked under the rig which they then lowered to my level and the ropes were threaded through. When that was finished the only thing left to do was go up. Allen began pulling me up very slowly so that I could get used to it. Eventually I was standing only on my tip toes and even then they couldn't have been supporting any more than four or five pounds of my weight. I knew that I only needed to bend my knees a little and I would be completely off the ground. In theory this should have been simple. I lifted up one of my feet then bent the other knee. I was off the ground, not even a centimeter I'm sure but I was off the ground. It didn't last long though. My finger tips started to tingle and the color began to drain form my vision as I broke out in a sweat. I told them I need to come down and I was promptly lowered and given a chair to sit in. Someone fetched me water. I had stayed up a maximum of 3 seconds. My friends and Allen talked to me and encouraged me. They reminded me that suspension is all in the mind and I would do better on the next try, just take whatever time I needed.
Within a couple of minutes I was back to feeling normal. It was time to try again. I made it up and this time was pulled above the ground a couple feet. As odd as it sounds I was afraid to move my arms, or move much in general for that matter. I didn't have much sense of time, but I must have stayed up maybe twenty seconds before I again began to feel I would black out. I was lowered again, sat in the same chair, and given more water. Someone came up and wiped some blood off my back before it got on my clothes. Allen lifted my feet a little and suggested that next time I swing because it would increase my circulation. This time while recovering I continued to prepare as well. I was still attached to the rig, just sitting under it, so I put more and more weight on the line until I was actively pulling as hard as I could. I stood up ready for try number three. Allen had my hand and helped pull me out a little more before suggesting we try something different. This time I would back up few steps then step forward. I would then do the same thing again and on the third go he would lift me up.
On three I was in the air and, given the method used to lift me, already swinging some. Allen gave me a push. I kicked my feet out on the arch to keep going, just like a swing. I remembered to move my arms as well at about the same time I saw a post and decided I wanted to kick it. I could barely touch it the first time and on subsequent tries I was able to push off of it a little. Allen gave me another push and now I was able to actively kick off the post. I was enjoying myself and feeling fine but the higher I went the more uncomfortable it became. Remember how when you go really high on a swing you will feel weightless at the end of the arch before feeling heavier than normal on the way back down? Well that was happening to me only it meant my weight was coming off the hooks for a brief moment only to have more pressure immediately put on them. This combine with the fact I was also doing a good bit of spinning around made me dizzy (schoolyard dizzy, not "I'm about to blackout" dizzy) and it was a generally unpleasant feeling. I asked to come down again, happy that this time I "succeeded."
I left the hooks in because I intended to go up again later that night. After four hours I was once again roped to the rig. Before trying to go up I was told there was good news and bad news. The good news was that this time I wouldn't start to blackout because I knew I could do it and my body had more or less accepted it. The bad news was that because the hooks had been in so long this would be much more painful than suspending with fresh hooks. I didn't think anything off it at first. After all my flesh pull was done over the course of 6-7 hours and just got easier as time went by. However I found out I was wrong when I started to be pulled up. It was incredible, searing, pain. I was so surprised, pulling was never painful to me and suspending earlier that day was also completely devoid of pain. It had been a bizarre, nonspecific sensation that was actually pleasant. This wasn't. I took the rope so that I could pull myself. I would put my weight on the rig, wait for the pain to dissipate then add more weight. However after I had put somewhere between 1/3 and 1/5 my bodyweight on the hooks I just couldn't continue and asked to be cut down.
I hadn't been looking forward to getting the hooks out. I remember it being terrible dull pain. Sharp pain I'm just fine with but not dull. I went back over to the area where hooks were being thrown and found a member of MOM to take them out. She was incredibly nice and when she heard I was concerned she offered to get some other people so they could be removed in tandem. I told her my issue wasn't really with the hook removal itself but in the cleaning over, and massaging air out of, areas that are sore and tender. She clean my back with an antiseptic (I winced, not pleasant) and removed the hooks one by one. Then came the good news. I actually had very little air in my back, so little in fact I'd be fine to leave it in so long as I was okay with being a little more sore over the next couple days. I decided to get the best of both worlds so I had her burp out about half of it. I was once again cleaned with the antiseptic and bandaged up. She gave me one of my hooks to take home.
The Aftermath
On the way home my bandages had filled with blood and were attempting to come off so as soon as I walked in the door I removed them. It was 3 am and I was incredibly tired so I didn't do anything else but put on some clean pajamas and sleep.
In the morning I showered the blood away and was finally able to see what my back looked like (there was some bruising.) I had bled through the shirt I was wearing so the next thing to do was laundry. In general I was surprised how good I felt physically. I was much less sore than I was the morning following my flesh pull, even though I keep bumping my back into things pretty hard.
That night I was in fact a little sore so I reached back to massage my neck a bit. When my fingertips pressed against the skin I felt the air bubbles pop and move around. For some reason this is both creepy and fascinating to me so I can't leave it alone. It feels kind of crinkly even now three days after the suspension.
Conclusion
I have no idea how long I stayed up. It was just a few minutes and while it was very similar to the flying experiences in my dreams there were obviously differences. It was still amazing and I feel I'm lucky to have been able to participate in this ritual. I learned a lot this time that I know I'll be able to apply to future suspensions so that I get even more out of them. I'm sure that now anytime I dream of flying I'll wake up knowing I can experience it in real life.