I've always liked pain, of course when others inflict it; it's so much sweeter than when it's self-inflicted. I've always loved blood and of course, it's always so much sweeter when you share with somebody.
At A Glance Author Another "Stupid" Teen Contact jns1987@hotmail.com When N/A Artist me Studio anywhere I've always liked the look of scars, and love sharing the story behind each.
So, some background.
I had a "perfect" childhood. My parents always "tried to give me everything I wanted" and in all actuality, were never really there. They are strictly anti-anything mod related. I had to beg for years just to get my ears pierced. I am a middle class, over-weight, middle-of-Kansas born, "normal" white female. Yeah, that's what my parents will tell you.
I've always had a fascination with modifications. Any of my friends will tell you this. I am the one they all come to when they want to know about a piercing they want to do. Not saying I know everything, but, out of my friends, I'm the most knowledgeable on this subject.
So, why is it that they all "disowned" me after they realized I cut? Is it any different than them that pierce themselves, just to do it? Maybe it's the social stigma attached to cutters, how it's self-mutilation and you have to have something wrong with you.
Yeah, so maybe I'm screwed up in the head, but if cutting myself helps me, who are they to condone it.
Okay
Enough of me complaining about them not understanding, and more of me actually explaining.
I started 'self-harming' in middle school. I would create 'burns' with erasers along my forearms. I relished in the fact that I was 'different' than everyone, that I could express myself beyond words. Then I gained a few friends, and dropped the habit.
Flash forward to 11th grade.... I started scratching designs into my body with safety pins, after a while, burning designs using a safety pin and trusty lighter. Anywhere I was, I would pull out a safety pin and get to work, mainly out of boredom, and possibly, just the shock factor involved. No part of my body that I could reach was safe from the tips of any pointy object I came across. Later, I came across the effect of the blade. The strange part, though, I attached no emotional value to the act. I made my designs, they never hurt, and I showed them off to my "friends."
The actual (most recent) designs....
· I have love me hate me carved into my chest with a question mark slightly below it.... it simply asks the question I want to know.... and also, this stems from one of my favorite quotes "you may love me, you may hate me, but you'll never forget me"....
· I have 17 lines burned across my stomach, and I think that's not to hard to figure out why (I'm 17, duh) and I've felt like each one was a thing I overcame and got through, as was each line being seared into my flesh
· I have a little design burnt into my thigh, and I don't really think the meaning behind it is tangible for anyone but me....
· I have another design in my other ankle, more or less, another unexplainable one unless I let you in on the inner workings of my mind....
You get the gist of my reasons. I am a firm believer in having meaning behind any modification you do, although, I will say, I have done your standard lines down the arm just to see the blood....
Now
I was all ready to end these acts of 'self-mutilation' when my boyfriend discouraged it. His (almost) exact words, "I would like you to stop if you do it for any reason beyond self-expression".... yeah, seems I'm really bad at expressing myself any other way, so he would support me if that was the reason I did it.... just wish everyone else was as supportive.
Then one day, a friend 'turned me in' to the counselor, leading to my parents being informed, and me ending up in counseling and being put on meds.... apparently, they just realized I'm a tad, shall we say, fucked up.
So, here I am, sitting here, telling you my cutting woes... I have not scarred my body in any way (intentionally) in a month and a half. I feel, almost a sense of pent up anger at this. I cannot make my body my own anymore, just because someone else thinks it's wrong. But, while writing this, I have chewed the entire inside of my lip so much that blood is now dripping.
So, in conclusion
I think cutting, burning, or any modification can make you feel (and look) like you feel you were meant to be.... and hopefully all others will be safer in their methods than I choose to be....