Background Info
At A Glance Author Samantha Contact Samantha@bme.anon IAM joy When A week ago Artist Rites of Passage / Iwascured Location Brooklyn, New York
The decision to hang from my knees was a somewhat last minute one. I usually plan my modifications months in advance, waiting for the exact right moment to get them. I'd previously pulled and hung in both the suicide and super(wo)man styles, but hadn't really given much thought to a knee suspension. I thought they looked uncomfortable and I thought I'd hate being upside down. As always, once I draw a line I find myself crossing it. A few weeks ago I found myself planning the first stop on the cured road tour – a big party with suspensions, pulls, blood letting and lip sewing. I thought about the things I might like to do and kept coming back to a knee suspension. As time went on I became more nervous, and more certain that I wanted to do it. It would be in an environment that I had complete control over and in a space that I loved and thought had a wonderful energy.
The Big Day
I woke up nervous, but didn't really have time to worry since I had to do last minute things for the event. Picking up 36 pounds of bagels plus vegetable and cookie platters definitely kept my mind off the suspension. I attended to more last minute details and was soon getting picked up and driven to the venue. I'd gotten up at 6 am and by 1 pm I'd been so busy that I hadn't had time to sit down or eat. I eventually had part of a bagel, but my stomach was pretty much empty. Despite my history of fainting, I felt it would be better to just not eat than to force myself and feel sick. I did, however, drink copious amounts of water as I always do before suspensions and piercings.
As soon as I began to get irritated about people being late, I saw the Rites of Passage crew arrive with Jonny and Badur. After I'd said hello and hugged everyone, I noticed a man in a surgical mask approaching me. He got closer and I immediately ran over to give him a hug. Phil had been there to help with my first suspension and has since become one of my best friends. I'd been trying unsuccessfully to get him to come down from Toronto all week. I wanted him to be there to hold my hands, but he insisted that he had to work but would be with me in spirit. It turns out that everyone except for me had known about his surprise visit, and had done a remarkable job at keeping me in the dark. I normally don't like surprises, but I was absolutely thrilled. Immediately, I was at ease and knew everything would be fine. I'd get to hang exactly how I wanted to, surrounded by friends who I adore.
The Suspension
Once the eye-bolts had been installed in the ceiling and the rigging was ready, I began to get into the calm state I needed to be in. I demanded full control over my environment and made everyone other than the four [Frank, Craig, Emrys and Phil] piercing me and Badur [he took photographs for me] stay at the other end of the space. I put on my cd and started to breathe deeply while saying "Not yet!" every time I saw any preparations being made. I admit that I was a huge pain in the ass. I snapped at people, I lost all patience and composure. But, after planning a fairly big event on 3.5 weeks notice, I had endured too much stress to not have things go exactly as I wanted them to.
I continued listening to my cd and felt the beat moving through me, synching my heart beat to it. Then, when I gave the okay, I received four hooks at once. It wasn't any worse than 2 and it was over much more quickly. I didn't feel pain, just cold steel parting my skin. It felt sharp, but really I felt my skin give way and let the foreign objects in. I didn't flinch, I didn't even say a word. It wasn't uncomfortable, it mostly felt strange.
After sitting around in a sleeveless shirt and underoos, I was shivering and needed time to warm up. I have poor circulation and tend to get cold very easily, so I was prepared for this. I borrowed jackets and had Frank rub my legs while someone else warmed me with a large light. Slowly, I got off the chair I'd been sitting on and lowered myself onto the medical drape on the floor. Phil sat behind me and held my hands while Emrys and Frank attached me to the rigging. Eau de Phil [ylang-ylang, jasmine and lavender] was very calming and gave me something to concentrate on as I began to feel a tugging on my hooks. The tension was increasing and at that point, I almost considered backing out. Instead, I reclined more and felt the pain decrease as the weight/pressure on the hooks increased. Those few moments when the skin is only slightly tugged are much more uncomfortable than having the full weight pulling at it. It's as though after a certain point the pain ends and th e feeling of pressure takes over. The skin stretches and accommodates and the body revels in its abilities.
I had been rather worried about the discomfort caused by the rush of blood to the head. I didn't notice a rush and felt, in that respect, exactly as I had when sitting upright. Once my knees had been lifted into the air, my torso was lowered until I was supporting myself. I felt completely disoriented and couldn't tell which way was up. I lost my bearings and was certain that the floor was sliding and was not perpendicular to me. I held Phil's arms and he slowly pushed me so that I was swinging towards and away from him. He tried to get me to let go of his hands, but I wasn't ready. After a little more swinging, it started. I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel discomfort, I felt pure joy. I had a sense that all was as it should be, it felt very good and very right. I was completely calm and at peace with myself and the world. I grinned in a way that I never do outside of suspensions. I beamed and glowed and radiated energy. I didn't see god, I was god. I wa s master of my universe, captain of my body and my mind. I felt freedom and complete control. I felt blessed and higher than high. I felt myself transcend the realm of ordinary possibility and enter into something higher. I saw happiness and love and energy so positive it made the world glow. All of my senses were heightened, everything was brighter, richer, more alive. I grinned and giggled and was completely full of joy.
I let go of Phil's hands and pushed myself off of the floor so that I could swing. I remember ordering people out of my line of sight - I wanted to only be surrounded by close friends with a certain kind of energy. I remember being told that I'd been up for 40 minutes. I argued that it had only been 10 but a few other people confirmed that it had been 40 and that my CD had restarted. At that point, Frank took over as hand holder while Phil went to get his photo equipment. With some help, I ended wearing only batman underoos and pink mary-janes. My newly short hair hung down like a halo around my head, in the light it glowed a gold-tinted red. It was decided that me throwing my head back and putting my hand down my pants would make for good pictures, and at the very least, it makes for a fun story. After some more photos, I put my shirt back on and closed my eyes. I felt myself rocking, floating weightless. I'd pretty much forgotten about the hooks and felt a very s light tugging at my knees.
I can't remember the exact moment, but there was a shift in the way I viewed my surroundings. I accepted the floor as ceiling, I felt myself to be right side up and saw everyone else as walking on the ceiling. The crew checked on my knees regularly and about 10-20 minutes after the 40 minute signal, Phil suggested coming down. Two of the holes had torn slightly, but not enough to require stitches. It was up to me if I wanted them or not. I was told that if I decided against the stitches, I'd have larger darker scars. But, I didn't want any further trauma to my knees and since I've never received stitches, I was rather apprehensive about getting them. And I want the scars. They remind me that what I did is real. These are the only ones I can see without mirrors and contortion and I'm glad to have an easily visible reminder of the time that I felt like god.
Right after
My hooks were removed quickly and given to me to keep. I then got bandaged and took a seat in the corner so that I could "come down" quietly, away from the crowd. I felt a million miles away, and spent the rest of the afternoon in a daze. My knees started to get sore and I found that my pants constricted and hurt when sitting – so, the rest of the day was spent in just my underwear. I bleed through my tegaderm bandages, something I'd expected since I don't clot very well. After I suspend I tend to get very emotional, so I took many breaks from the party to sit quietly outside and allow myself to just feel.
Since then [ie the week after]
The next day I felt soreness in a way I've never felt before. I don't normally take medication, but I took the maximum dose of motrin plus some tylenol with codeine. My shoulders, neck, and arms ached so much that I could barely dress myself. My knees weren't quite as bad, but each step hurt and I walked like a cross between a cowboy and a penguin. I bled a bit more and worried that the holes wouldn't close up, since I could still see the fatty tissue under my skin. But, they did and are now healing quite quickly. The pain slowly subsided and after a few days, I felt lighter and better than ever before. All the anger and stress and frustration I'd been holding onto for months was gone. I've spent a lot of time sitting quietly, reflecting, and crying as each wave of emotions crashes through me. I didn't expect my third suspension to be so powerful and to move me even more than the others, but it did. Now, I feel steeped in confidence and ready to cross new lines.