it's a boring night here at Storage Cabinet de Lish (that's the
official name on record for my stupid santa cruz apartment), so i've gone
ahead & written up some helpful advice for all you BME enthusiasts.
without further ado:
lish's rules for photographing piercings!
+ ears
- clean your fucking waxy motherfucking gross ears.
- remove crusted matter from around all piercings.
- remove oozy crap from plugs & other larger pieces of jewelry.
- unless your hypertrophic scarring is particularly large to the
point where it becomes more interesting than horrific, do not
photograph it. we do not need to see your crooked, lumpy
industrial.
- furthermore, blowouts are just not sexy.
+ tongue, lip, lip frenulum, et cetera
- do not stick your tongue out as far as you possibly can to
display a 14ga stud in the tip.
- do not open your mouth as wide as you possibly can to display
your tongue. we don't need to see your tonsils, jackass.
- brush your teeth first.
- brush your tongue first.
- brush your teeth again. how can you not see all that crud stuck
all over your mouth? really, what's wrong with you?
- try not to be too slimy/drooly/shiny/waxy/repulsive.
- if anything is a funny color (teeth, tongue, lips), use your
black & white filter to hide how disgusting you are.
+ nipples
- best photographed after a shower as nipples are notoriously
crusty.
- leave the bra off a little while before the photo so as to avoid
both bra lines & the ever-attractive jewelry-crushed-into-breast
look.
- if you shave your nipple hair, do so. nipple stubble is less
than appealing.
+ genitalia
- look, genitals leak. like nipples, it's best to photograph these
piercings fresh from the shower. it's bad enough to know you
have a drippy pink part; there's no need to prove that to us
with big lumps of dried gunk on the balls of your jewelry.
- do not photograph your cunt with a tampoon string hanging out of
it. seriously, don't do this.
- if you shave, & this is the one time you've ever gotten razor
burn out of it, the photographs can wait a little while. despite
what you may believe, you don't HAVE to photograph your sloppy
slit RIGHT NOW.
- if you shave & you always get razor burn, it's time to find a
new method. also don't photograph razor burn. why would you DO
that?
- honestly, no one wants to see your genitalia. can't you get your
jollies some other way?
+ nose
- even your mom would allow you to pick your nose if you used a
tissue & not your fingernail. really. it's okay to have a clean
nose.
- avoid extreme close-ups of your blackheads.
- use an astringent first, you greasy bastard. soap, at least.
- it is not necessary to show us your sinus cavities when
photographing nostril or septum piercings.
- if you're taking a close shot of your bridge, don't frame the
photo so you get only a white triangle of each eye. it's creepy.
+ eyebrow
- please first clean the morning crap out of your eyes.
- if you shave off your eyebrows only to draw them back on with a
sharpie or whatever the fuck, & you have this piercing, the
least you can do is draw your eyebrow so the piercing looks
normal. you want it to look like you have some kind of
high upper-eyelid piercing, that's your business, but don't go
photographing it 'cause judy's just going to mock you.
+ navel
- de-lint-ify.
- try to stand up straight. we know you have big lardy rolls, but
we shouldn't be exposed to the true horror of your gut.
- if your navel has lumps of scar tissue, the weepy horrors, or
suppurating goodness, skip the camera & head to the salt soaks.
- if your navel jewelry has migrated to the point where it's not
even IN your navel anymore, skip the camera & start whatever
queer piercing-abandoning ritual you might have. it's not cool
to have an oh-so original lower navel piercing if it's only
partly attached to you.
- navel piercing photos do not require pubes. crop, crop.
+ surface
- sure, you may have special ordered tygon for your special nape
piercing, but don't fool yourself into thinking you don't have
giant lumpy scar tissue just the same, 'cause you do. & it's
gross. & it shouldn't be photographed or shown off. or even
spoken about. shhh.
- please unwrap your hair from your nape/madison/forehead/ankle
surface piercing first.
- when you use a straight barbell on a flat patch of skin & the
barbell is pretty much showing through your skin & you take a
photo of this & call it MY KEWL PERICING & you think you're hot
shit, just know you're not.
- no one is impressed by your self-done handweb, but if you must
show it to us, photograph it while it's very fresh. like, an
hour old. before it starts to migrate out & look even more
repugnant than it does now. shit, too late. just take it out.
yes, i know you love it. you've had it for twenty minutes but
you feel a real spiritual attraction to this piercing. i get it.
i feel your pain, bro. remove it. go kill someone's cat instead;
that has spiritual significance, too.
i further recommend actually LOOKING AT the photos you've taken
BEFORE sending them to poor shannon. obviously most people don't. how else
would i have this kind of fodder?
thanks. that is all.
lish
crank@got.net "how sad it is for other people
35.1% / 29 that they cannot appreciate our genius." -hc |